MOIST (and other words)

MOIST.  MOIST.  MOIST.  MOIST.

The worst sounding word of the English language.  It drips, it hangs on your lips, it makes me think of inappropriate things.  Mature, I know.  I just can't seem to get over it.

MOIST doesn't always have a bad connotation.  "The cake was MOIST," is a simple example.  You don't want your cake to be damp, wet, steamy, misty, or any other variation of the word.  (I remembered how to use the thesaurus!)

Other words that frustrate me are...

Nipple:
             When I had to help a customer at the pharmacy find a Nipple Protector, I thought I was going to die.  The dirty old man inside me told me to say something inappropriate; "Like in a strip club, eh?  Do you need Titty Tassels or Hooter Pasties?"  The more professional side said, "Pull it together, ya dumb bitch!"   My personalities compromised so that I said "nipple" as often as I could and tried not to smile.

Supple:
              I was told I have supple breasts once.  I mentally slapped them and told them to rot in hell.

Teat:
              Why?  Just say boobies!  

Suckle:
              Unless this has to do with honey suckle, I am uninterested and even then I'm not convinced I won't slap you.
            
Spittle:
              A close friend of mine loves this word.  Each time she says it, I want to cry.  "Some spittle was hanging from my mouth."  Gag.

Combined, these words make the (unfinished) world's worst sentence: Spittle fell from his lip onto her nipple as he suckled from her moist, supple teat.
Think about that.

The Wall of Man

Today, I finally took down the Wall of Man in my room.  This now barren wall was my own nerdy homage to Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, and X-Men.  Of course it was sprinkled with comedians and other famous men but the overall voice screamed geek.  Apparently I don't have a type as seen by the eclectic group unceremoniously attached to my wall with scotch tape.

Infamous "Wall of Man"

Much of the things I have in my room have been there for 23 years.  I am completely incapable of getting rid of anything, especially stuffed animals.  They all have some sort of sentimental value or some bullshit like that.  I have two, six foot tall book shelves filled to the brim with children's books and young adult literature.  I also have a fainting couch because, well, who doesn't need one of those?

I am by no means a minimalist.  I'll probably end up featured on the frightening television show, "Hoarders" drowning in my pictures of hot nerds, stuffed animals and books.  A hand reaching from the towers, grasping for breath...

Drama aside, I need to start purging my room.

Durango Tango

Well, it's official:  I finally left Durango, CO in a permanent kind of way.  I celebrated my decision to leave with a month of shenanigans.  I quit my pharmacy job, pierced my nose, and bought my tickets to Iowa and Italy in the course of 72 hours.  I then moshed at Ska Brewery's Anniversary Bash and gave tearful goodbyes to some of the best people I've ever met.

I drove away this morning with a slight sense of liberation and minor panic.  Pulling from every chick-flick movie I've seen, I decided to stare out my passenger side window, sigh heavily, and choke back tears.  When that wasn't getting me anywhere, I thought of making a sign that says, "Help me!  I'm being kidnapped!"  Since neither of those options would really do any good, reflection became the best choice.

Things Durango taught me:

1.  If you are 20 minutes late, you are still 5 minutes early.  I used to be on time.  Always.  Now, I take my sweet, sweet time and couldn't care less.

2.  After over 5 years of living in Durango, I have come to realize that the old adage is true: We've all lived in your house or slept with your girlfriend.  Sometimes both...at the same time.  The town is too damn small. 

3.  Durango Chic does not exist anywhere else in the world.  Only in that town does a plaid shirt count as "really dressed up" and showering once every three days is widely accepted.  Not that I judge the culture but there is a very distinct smell that lingers...

4.  Dumb phones are the best phones!  Suck it, iPhone.  Suck it long, suck it hard. 

5.  On that note, young ladies have a sense of humor there that young ladies should not have (according to mother.)  I personally love telling dirty jokes over several beers in the numerous bars in town.  You will be hard put to find a man there that doesn't appreciate that.  My friends have kindly named me Monty because my sense of humor reminds them of a crass, elderly man.  I can proudly say that I have a dirty old man inside me.

6.  You will work at least 2 jobs at minimum wage, barely being able to pay rent.  At one point, you will be homeless, couch-surf, and free-load off of your amazing friends.  By them a thank you gift once you pull yourself out of the gutter.  You will be over worked, under-payed, and not appreciated.  Thank goodness for Pint Night.

7.  Beer.  I have a greater appreciation for a good beer.  Wheat beers are great but I found that dark beers do have there place in my liver.  We are so spoiled.

8.  I love that no one has a t.v.  We all get together on the front porch, grab a beer and just talk about our day.  I will miss that.

Tonight, I raise my glass to Durango.  You will always hold a place in my heart.  I don't know when I'll return but I know I will go back.